hi, this isn't so much of a flatsound update, just a journal entry.
i'm taking a break from social media and other stuff. not forever, just a few months to focus on myself. i figured this website would be a relatively good place for me to quietly document my thoughts and progress in that time. i mean who regularly checks this website in the first place? and of those people, who figured out that you can click the text on the new home page to enter the website like normal? and of those people, who randomly decided to click the blog tab? not very many. i don't think so at least.
is anyone reading this? i'm not sure. but if you are, and if you did make it here, just know that i find great comfort in that. in you being here.
i should start out by saying that i do love social media. i love posting things online, i love it when people think that i'm funny or interesting or entertaining. i love making someones day brighter. most of all i love talking, i really do. it's all of the things that come along with it that become tiresome. it's the painful acknowledgement that i only show the world the best parts of myself. even i look at it all and begin to believe that it's true. that i'm fine. that i have everything under control.
and, i guess that's what it came down to. the realization that i can't allow myself to become distracted with it all anymore. i can't keep focusing on producing mindless content that gives off this message that everything is fine while simultaneously ignoring the finish line in front of me.
i hit a point recently where i took a long and admittedly very difficult look at myself. i walked around outside for hours just pacing back and forth in complete disbelief of my life. i can't believe that i'm still here. i can't believe that i haven't gotten better, and that i haven't figured this out yet.
i wish that i were better at being someone important. i'm avoiding using words like "famous" because, despite being on ridiculous websites like famousbirthdays.com, i just don't agree that it applies to me at all. actually, the fact that i'm not famous at all illustrates my point even better. i'm not famous. i'm not even close to what it means to be famous and still i struggle with the emotional weight of it all.
everyone tells me to accept it as a compliment and i just don't know how. i tried but it all just feels so gross to me. if anyone else approached others how i'm approached every day i feel like it would be universally frowned upon. remove the fact that i'm a musician entirely from the equation. imagine if someone acted in such a way toward you, and invaded your privacy, and made you feel uncomfortable. imagine if a complete stranger began to obsess over you, and someone you've never even met started sending you inappropriate messages, and calling you daddy, and took screenshots of everything that you posted, and drew pictures of you, and used pictures of your face on their social media accounts. would that really be tolerated? in any other situation that person would be considered your stalker.
i'm not the right person for this, i know that in my heart. i'm too anxious, it all bothers me too much. it just isn't for me.
valentines day came and went. i sat in my bedroom and watched peep show with my british friend and she explained all the references that i didn't get. that was nice and i think it's what i needed. to wrap my mind around a world that i don't know. to be very close to someone from very far away.
i've been feeling nostalgic lately. i feel very much like i did years ago. maybe it's the lack of social media, or that i've actually been physically interacting with other people. i've been breathing into the machine for a month and a half now, maybe the new treatment is actually working. i just know that so far everything feels very good and i like it. remember jordans house? that felt good. and not coming home? that felt good too. those memories don't feel so far away anymore.
you got this. keep going. the finish line is right there. don't let your inability to sprint trick you into thinking that you can't make it. your tired legs will get you there, you just have to keep going.