california’s finally been getting colder. the shift feels like it happened all at once, like i blinked and suddenly it’s dark and my hands are cold. this shift in weather has always taken a toll on my anxiety, i guess it’s the familiarity with those sensations and how closely they’re tied to other things in my brain. my body knows what it’s like to shake, and my hands are so used to being cold.
i’ve been really busy these last couple months. i did a live performance on zoom, which is very unlike me, but it was for a good cause benefiting a longtime friend. you can see a clip from that night here. later i did an interview, which is also very unlike me. the interview was framed around the pandemic from the perspective of an agoraphobe. really interesting stuff. it isn’t published yet, but i’ll be sure to post about it somewhere once it is. i don’t remember much about it, but i think it’ll be an interesting read.
shortly after, i began work on the new wishing ep. it was written, recorded, and released in just a few weeks. i’m really proud of how it came out, i really do love working with christian and i’m glad we’re still doing the project. if you haven’t heard it yet, you can listen to it here. it’ll be up on spotify in about a week.
and still, after all of that, all i want to do is create something. to move onto the next thing. i still love writing and recording so much, every time i do it i get the same feeling i did over ten years ago. starting and finishing songs just feels so natural. i’ve been feeling it especially lately. maybe i just need something to focus on, something to cushion the blow of november. i don’t really like november much since last year. i still miss my dad a lot everyday.
last night i wrote a very sweet little song. it isn’t about my father. just a nice recording done very quickly on a multitrack recorder in my office. i actually like the lyrics a lot for something i jotted down in my phone and recorded directly after. the chorus is a reference to an old memory. when i was a kid (and well into my young adult years actually), every time i heard the song believe by cher i always thought the lyrics said, “do you believe in love after love”. i’d sing along to it as a child, and even in the car with friends as a teenager, always getting the words wrong. it wasn’t until i was in my twenties, well into my agoraphobia, that i looked up the lyrics and realized what they actually said.
and that’s… really the extent of it. it’s just a cute and nostalgic thought. the concept of love represented not by romance, but by a distant memory you can’t quite get back to. a time spent with people you no longer know, going places you no longer can, singing songs you don’t know the words to.
enjoy the song, thank you so much for reading and listening. be well.
wake up tired
sometime before noon
it’s stuck on my mind
something i told you
i’m sorry that i do
things i don’t want to
do you believe in love
it feels like a memory of a cher song
do you believe in love
i’m scratching my eyes out
come over to my house
everything’s empty
i am a part of what you lack
tell me i’m crazy
put up a wall i cannot pass
do you believe in love
i want us to listen to that cher song
do you believe in love
i’m scratching my eyes out