you were in my dream last night. we were in a living room i’ve never seen before, though something about the layout felt familiar to me. i sat there and listened to a story i know you’ve told me a thousand times before, but i hung onto every word. i told you how much i missed you telling me stories. when you were done i walked across the living room and hugged you, then i woke up.

i know that most dreams are just dreams, but i can tell when others are different. the way we talk is different, the details in the room are different. hugging you feels different. sometimes it’s all just nonsense, and trying to hold onto the specifics feels impossible. other times i can feel my cheeks going cold as tears stream down them and disappear into the fabric on your shirt. other times it’s just different.

i’ve been recording again lately. remember that little side project i told you about? it’s doing incredible now thanks to you. i think a lot of people felt something in my frustration of not being able to say goodnight to you anymore. little things like that feel like such a gift, but i guess that shouldn’t surprise me. leave it up to you to figure out ways to keep taking care of me even after you had to leave.

i love you, dad. everything i have today is because of you. i hung a picture of you in my office so that you can watch over me while i make stuff. i’m sorry that so much of it is still about what happened. i don’t know what else to do with this feeling. please know that it is an honor to carry the weight of losing you with me every day and that i am not burdened by the pain. it’s what makes me feel close to you, and that is why i cling to it so tightly. thank you for visiting me last night. happy father’s day.

take up space
fill a saturday
i would do anything
to not watch you waste away

it hits me like a tidal wave
something i heard you say
something that hurts to say

but i don’t want to be here when you’re gone
so i’ll do what i want
i don’t want to be here when you’re gone
oh my god
carry me
in your arms