november 25, 2017 06:35 pm

i don't have a lot to say about this song other than i recorded it earlier this year and never uploaded it. it was recorded on a zoom r16 multitrack recorder in my bedroom and, if you like it, you can have it for free. as always, thank you for listening.

forty seven pictures in a text
to remind me of the ones inside my head
a simple plan for complicated friends
i promise that i'll be fine in the end
but i think it would destroy you
wouldn't it?

i haven't stopped thinking of what you said
you don't know how much i want to be with you again
but i think it would destroy you
i'm so scared i'll destroy you
and i don't want to destroy you
what if it destroys you like it used to
this would destroy you
wouldn't it?

june 17, 2017 01:59 am

the radio feels good. it's always felt good. not just as something to listen to while going through the comfortable motions of your every day life, but something else. something bigger. something that's always happening, at all times, in different parts of the world. something that's always been there. 

radio, even internet radio, is very old technology to me. it's been around for most of my life and has never really caught much of my attention. i'm twenty six and a few days ago i had no idea what a stream port or a shoutcast server was, but learning it felt very intuitive and exciting to me. that's the thing about discovery. it doesn't matter how old something is, when you immerse yourself in it for the first time it has no choice but to feel new. and i think that's what i need right now. something new. something to be excited about. so that's what i did, i immersed myself in it. i became excited.

three days of no sleep later and i did it. flatsound radio is up and running and it's beautiful. it really is beautiful to me. sometimes it's christian and i talking late at night in a skype call, other times it's just me creating live soundscapes. sometimes i broadcast the sound of birds outside of my bedroom window for two hours. this feels so much more real than other live platforms. there isn't a likes system, or a chatroom trying to compete with itself. it's just me. talking and creating art. exposing parts of myself to something that feels bigger and emptier than i do. i've spent so much of my career completely enamored by the concept of the void. throwing the most genuine parts of myself out into nothingness. this is the purest representation of that. 

other than that...things have been an odd mixture of good and bad. trust me, i realize as i'm typing this just how typical that is to say. it effectively sums up the life of every person that i've ever met. it encompasses how i've felt at any given time, ever since i was old enough to take a step back and honestly consider how it is that i've been doing. i guess the only thing different is that i referred to it as "odd", and the only thing odd about it is that i've been handling it well. 

last wednesday i spoke to my therapist, as i do every wednesday from 3:30 to 4:30pm. only this time, in the midst of all that i had to tell him, he stopped me mid-sentence and told me with a very comforting sense of confidence that i was doing it. that i was getting better. that everything happening in my life, and how i'm choosing to respond to it all, is what recovery looks like.  i know that he's right, but even that scares me. 

i think that's the point, though. i think that allowing it to scare me is part of the recovery too. or, at very least, it's a good opportunity to ask yourself an important question. are you afraid, or are you excited? i think i'm excited.

february 17, 2017 02:14 am

today started out slow. the same old routine ― oatmeal, emails, a little animal crossing. and shirts, i folded lots of shirts. tomorrow i will continue to fold lots of shirts and hopefully put them up for sale. i'm still not sure if i'll post about them or not. i'm not exactly struggling for money right now and i feel so weird about self promotion. i don't want to rely solely on financial reward to justify the monotony of a hard days work. sometimes it's just nice to get lost in a repeated motion.

i don't mind the repetitiveness of it all. i believe that these little monotonous moments help, and that they mean something, and that they're part of being human. i believe that being human means that we hold our heads high and move forward through the uncertainty that they mean anything at all. slowly, apprehensively, for fear that we might one day undermine the importance of a simple breakfast, an ordinary task, or an undemanding pleasure. can you imagine anything more un-human than that?

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the day was nice despite it feeling very short. almost like it was in a hurry to get to the next. or, rushed by the promise of something better on the horizon. still, through it's lack of activity, there was an immense amount of beauty. there always is. i love the stillness of an ending day. i hope that i never lose sight of that.

there is something better on the horizon. it's about three months away.

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it's 2:11am and i'm waiting to breathe into the machine. i did my first session late again so i have to wait until at least 3am to do my last session before bed. the television said a lot of negative shit earlier and i wish that you were here to watch it with me because i think that anyone else would just tell me to shut the fuck up about the super volcano in yellowstone. 

i thought about the end of the world a lot today and i just wanted you to know that i love you so much. i hope that it works out for us because i love you so much. 

november 07, 2016 03:22 am

i want to play video games with you forever but for now talking feels like enough.