i’ve been wanting to write here more. which, i know isn’t anything new. most of my time is spent wanting to do more, or wanting to find some type of consistency in something. hoping that one day i wake up and fall into a comfortable pattern. it’s just so easy for me to get swept away in a thought, or a new idea. but lately all i’ve been thinking about is how much comfort exists in familiarity. i don’t want things to feel new, i just want them to feel good.

things have felt off since my father passed. i miss him a lot every day. i haven’t talked about it much, and i guess i don’t really plan to. losing him felt too personal. too big. i did post something very nice about it on his birthday, though. i guess that’s a start. everything is progression in a life shackled in place by a linear timeline, so in a way every minute i spend here is another step forward in grieving. even the steps backwards move us forward in a way we can’t control. but for now, it still hurts, and i don’t know what to do about it except repeat these words in my head: i miss you, dad. i love you, dad. i love you. i love you so much.

things have been good, though. i mean, aside from the overwhelming amount of things that have been bad, i do feel good most of the time. i’m still writing all the time, and recording little things. in june i made this twelve minute instrumental that i’ve been playing in my office a lot while i work. maybe in my search for consistency and forming familiar habits i’ll make a routine of sharing my art here again.

i never go a day without thinking about how lucky i am. neal tells me that i’m on the cusp of something and i think he’s right. i want to see how far these shaking legs will take me.