what a sleepy day. i stayed up too late last night and accidentally crossed that horrible little threshold where you can’t quite get to sleep because your body is starting to tell you to wake up. so you lay there frustrated, tossing and turning in the night, pushing away from the quiet demand to start a day you aren’t ready for yet. eventually managing to get just enough rest to spend the next day in a haze. that’s where i am now. i’m in the haze.
still, i somehow managed to get my steps in.
for about a month or so now i’ve been walking a minimum amount of steps per day. it’s nothing too impressive, but definitely a noticeable shift compared to the sedentary lifestyle that i’ve slowly grown accustomed to. that and i’ve been exercising, and genuinely trying to eat more. i even bought a scale. something that i’ve been too afraid to own for years. but there it is, taking up space on my bathroom floor. and here i am, placing all of myself onto it multiple times a day and reading that glowing number.
all of this is part of some desensitization therapy that i’ve been doing lately. well, it’s not quite desensitization. the added physical exertion is supposed to help my body release adrenaline naturally and in appropriate amounts throughout the day so that it doesn’t build up inside of me and get set off randomly like it usually does. then, in the exhausted resting periods in between, i’m supposed to practice inner safety techniques. the two together are meant to reset the inappropriate chemical releases in my brain.
so that’s what i’ve been doing. i exercise, and eat, and practice inner safety. i think, and feel, and allow. and i walk. and i walk. and i walk. building up a sense of strength that i haven’t known for a very long time. not just in my body, but in the belief that it can withstand the weight of anything pushing against it as it moves forward through the current. like a fog so thick you can feel it on your skin, or the pelting of heavy stones broken from a jagged boulder that i could never move without cutting my hands. the pieces seemingly become smaller and more rounded as they bounce off of me. but still, i walk, and i let them hit me. one by one.
i wrote a song recently that i really like, it’s called it always gives you a chance to run before it attacks you. it’s a simple acoustic song. a song about love. it also has a lot of words, which i always like. i hope you enjoy it.
go ahead and work with your hands
form the calluses that harden them
and start molding something new out of clay
and in the dead of night it'll take a shape
just don't call me indescribable
because it makes me uncomfortable
i just wanted for you to find your way
without me
could you do it without me
because you want something i can't be
so promise me you'll work on yourself
don't waste all that love on someone else
because there's always something new in the way
sometimes i make a friend
just to make mistakes
so don't call me indescribable
because it makes me uncomfortable
i just wanted for you to find your way
and i've always had this fear that i'm
not real enough to be described
so i'm learning to adapt to everything
but i don't know if you want to
fall in love with a costume
i guess there's nothing to stop you
because doesn't it all go back to the way it has to
it always gives you a chance to run before it attacks you
so show me what you made with your hands
i treat the memory like contraband
and keep it in a dark hidden cave
but eventually it wants to see the day
that’s why i'm welcoming a wandering eye
it's the assurance that you'll be alright
if i wake up one day and decide
that the distance is more like a dimming light
because everything is just a compromise
between the out of touch and the stuck inside
and i'm stuck inside
but doesn't it all go back to the way it has to
it always gave you a chance to run when it didn't have to