earlier today i was digging around an old hard drive and found this heartbreaking little song i wrote back in 2020. i think i originally wrote it as a wishing song when christian and i were recording none of this was your fault. it never made it on the album, but that’s okay. listening to it now, i think it was always more of a flatsound song anyway. either way, consider it a very personal b-side from a few years ago.

the song is called stay and, just as a content warning, it’s about somebody with an eating disorder. not many people know this, but i actually struggled with food and issues around my weight for most of my life. i’m very happy to say that this year has been extremely transformative for me, and it’s the first time in over ten years that i’ve been able to make big steps in my recovery with it. what an amazing feeling. it’s been almost a year and i’m still celebrating every meal.

looking back at songs like this years later is a strange feeling, but i do want to thank every person in that ten year span who i had the pleasure of having a conversation with about this subject. please know that i am rooting for you just as strongly in my newfound resilience as i was in my sickness. every step forward is a more powerful stride with you beside me. have a great night.

come home late
anything to avoid being around him
because there’s nothing left to stand in the way
of you and something too big to move
now you feel it like oncoming traffic
wouldn’t that be tragic
wouldn’t that be bad

he says, “i like your mother
if she doesn’t get too fat”
and just like that what do you do
other than mimic the only
life you’ve ever known
until there’s just bones

i know you want to leave
but this is not the way to disappear

will you stay where you are
until it’s not so hard
i want you to stay where you are
until these thoughts are gone
i want you to stay where you are
you don’t have to talk
you don’t have to say what you are
because i know it’s hard
i want you to stay